


Dirty Laundry

by involuntaryorange



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Penises, that's pretty much it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-01 21:26:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5221382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/involuntaryorange/pseuds/involuntaryorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ari IMs him the link one day, tells him not to open it at work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirty Laundry

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by withitoruponit, who said something that sent my brain spiraling off into crackland.

Ari IMs him the link one day, tells him not to open it at work. He’s learned to take her warnings seriously after the time he clicked one of her links and very loud sex noises started blaring out of his laptop speakers. _Of course_ the only other person in the room was Eames; he only reacted with amusement, which somehow made it even more embarrassing.

Anyway, Ari IMs him the link, and he waits until he’s back in his own hotel room (they’ve been working out of the living area of Dom’s suite, but thankfully he gets to retire to private quarters when it’s time to sleep). It turns out to be a blog called “Things My Dick Does,” and Arthur is glad he waited until he was alone, because there are some very close-up photos of some guy’s dick all over the place.

Like, all over the place on his screen, but also all over the place in the photos, and in every shot it’s been digitally anthropomorphized with a grinning face and spindly little arms. Sometimes erect, sometimes flaccid, sometimes clearly post- or even peri-masturbatory, but always surprisingly expressive.

Arthur finds himself scrolling through the archive all the way back to the first post, because it’s well-done and funny, and, okay, it’s a pretty nice dick. He’s genuinely not sure whether he finds the photos adorable or hot. 

He scrolls back through the archive to the latest post as he tries to figure it out, and, huh, that’s funny, the duvet that the guy’s lying on is the same as the duvet Arthur is lying on. And the wallpaper in the background is the same. The guy must have taken the photos while he was staying in the same hotel chain. Weird coincidence. Arthur closes the browser window and refreshes the latest NCAA scores before he goes to bed.

It’s something he occasionally goes back to over the next few months, when he needs a laugh or a reminder of what another man’s cock looks like. (Irritatingly, both of those needs tend to come after he’s been arguing with Eames.) Gradually he starts to notice something strange: whoever’s running the site seems to be staying at the same hotel chains as Arthur _a lot_. At first he thinks he’s being paranoid, but by the tenth time he recognizes the bed linens and the shitty mass-produced art on the walls, he’s starting to get genuinely concerned.

It all comes to a head (so to speak) one night when Arthur’s especially worked up; he and Eames had had a particularly heated disagreement about the best way to approach the current mark, and he’d wound up storming out of the room in frustration. He goes back to his hotel room and turns the TV to a random crime procedural and reads some Arts and Leisure articles from the New York Times until he’s calmed down a bit. Then he heads over to Things My Dick Does for some recreational cock-watching.

A new batch of photos has been posted, in which the dick is wearing a tie. The caption says “I told Little Dude that it was casual Friday, but he insisted on dressing up!”

Arthur owns that tie. He stayed up late one night so that he could order it the moment it was added to the Alexander McQueen online shop.

In fact, Arthur packed that tie for this trip.

With dawning horror, he checks his luggage. The tie is gone.

Before he can stop to think about what his next step should be, he’s down the hall, pounding on Eames’s door. Eames answers wearing a hotel robe.

“Hello, Arthur, what can I—“

“Do you have my tie?” Arthur demands.

Eames looks momentarily caught off-guard, though the expression is quickly swept away. “Which tie?”

“You know which tie.”

“I really have no idea what you’re—“

Arthur cuts him off by shouldering his way into the room, ignoring Eames’s somewhat alarmed “Arthur, wait!” And there’s his tie, peeking out of a slightly-ajar dresser drawer. Eames is shifting from foot to foot by the door, looking torn between attempting to explain and just making a run for it.

“I can’t _believe_ this,” Arthur moans, looking at the ceiling. “I’ve been looking at pictures of your cock for _months_. And I didn’t even know it was _your cock_.”

“Is that… a good thing or a bad thing?” Eames asks.

“I don’t _know_ ,” Arthur says, a tad melodramatically. “I’m just going to grab my tie and go back to my room and drown myself in the bathtub.” He goes to grab the tie, but he’s stopped by Eames, who has managed to move across the room remarkably quickly to stand in front of the dresser.

“Er, you can just go back to your room,” Eames says, too casually. “I can give your tie back to you tomorrow!”

“Or I could just take it with me now, and we could never speak of this again.”

Eames says, after some hesitation, “I should probably get it dry cleaned before I give it back to you.”

Arthur squints at Eames, who looks like he would like nothing more than to be swallowed up by the carpet. “Eames. Please tell me you didn’t get come on my tie.”

Eames smiles weakly. “I… didn’t get come on your tie?”

“I seriously _cannot believe this_ ,” Arthur says, throwing his arms around histrionically. Eames cowers like a dog who’s gotten into the garbage. “Do you have any idea how much I _paid_ for that tie? It’s not a fucking sex toy! Why couldn’t you have jerked off with of my ties from _Macy’s_?” 

“Wait, _that’s_ your objection?” Eames asks. “That I got off with one of your _nice_ ties?”

“I don’t even know what my objection is!” Arthur yells. “Is it that you jerked off with my favorite tie? Is it that I’ve apparently been undoing the fucking _knots_ you tie in my libido by _looking at photos of your cock_? Is it all of the above? I don’t know!”

Arthur sits heavily on the edge of the bed and puts his head in his hands. Eames approaches him skittishly and sits down next to him. After a moment, he pats Arthur on the back delicately.

“Arthur, darling,” Eames ventures.

Arthur moans in response.

“I’m sorry I stole your tie.”

Arthur grunts.

“And wanked with it. And lied to you about it. And provoked you into such a confused rage that you were forced to confront your feelings for me.”

Arthur shrugs and tries to say “whatever,” though it’s muffled by his hands.

“I have a suggestion for how I can make it up to you,” Eames says.

Arthur doesn’t answer, just turns his head slightly to look at Eames out of one baleful eye.

“I think it’s time Little Dude had a friend, don’t you?”

 

***

 

“Things Our Dicks Do” turns out to be an even more popular blog than the original. And if Ariadne notices that one of the dicks has a familiar set of dimples drawn on, she doesn’t say anything.

**Author's Note:**

> "Things My Dick Does" is an actual Tumblr. withitoruponit suggested that it was an Eamesian endeavor. And an hour later, this happened.


End file.
